The number one reason people would give for neglecting self-care is “I’m too busy” or “I just don’t have the time”. I get it! I have been a new mum recently, and working as a corporate executive through two years of COVID with a toddler at home nearly full-time. It certainly was demanding and stressful! And I admit that I let my self-care slide, which looking back, only made things worse (I’m not perfect by any means). But let’s be honest (and a little “tough love”), blaming lack of time as the reason for neglecting self-care is really just a fictional story that we are telling ourselves and other people. The truth is that we choose where to spend our time based on the things we decide to prioritise, and unfortunately many of us prioritise a lot of other things before ourselves. In fact, according to a survey (1) of mums conducted by HealthyWomen and Working Mother magazine, mums said that their time spent managing health was for their children, spouse/partner, elderly parents, and even the pet(s) more so than themselves (“self” ranked fifth in the list, even behind the dog/cat). Prioritising the health and wellbeing of others above ourselves is a choice that we make, whether consciously or subconsciously.
For the sake of our own wellbeing, and those around us, we need to change the narrative, and prioritise our self-care. These days most of us have limited time; however, there are numerous self-care actions which only take a few minutes, some not even any additional time out of your day. So, if that’s the case, and we know it is good for us, why don’t we prioritise it and do it? In short, it’s a combination of behavioural patterns, personal prioritisation (or de-prioritisation), desire to please others (and potentially fear if we don’t), and discipline needed to form new behaviour patterns. Here are ten REAL reasons why we may not be doing things that we know could help:
1) We are habitual – We have become accustomed to being stressed, and doing things the way we have previously, including neglecting our self-care
2) We get “caught-up” – we are so caught-up in the moment (the state of being stressed) that we don’t pause to stop it…running on the hamster wheel, in need of a “circuit breaker”
3) We have unhelpful internal thoughts / drive – “If I just work harder / longer.”; “I don’t have time to slow down, pause, rest or relax”
4) Stress impacts our cognitive ability – Stress reduces our ability to think clearly and logically, to reason and make good decisions.
5) We crave or need stress and/or “busyness” – Some people need (or think they need) to feel stressed in order to be or feel productive; or believe that being viewed as “busy” is a good thing. While others overwork or overcommit themselves to occupy their mind as a way to mask other unpleasant feelings or emotions.
6) We have an innate need to feel important, needed and recognised – Many people associate being stressed/busy as being “so needed” or valued by an organisation (or person/people), thus feeling important.
7) We don’t have a plan to manage stress – You cannot win a battle without a “plan of attack”, ideally a clearly documented one which you can refer to.
8) We lack discipline and/or accountability -- Not having the personal discipline or beneficial habits in place, and/or not having someone to partner with to help with discipline and accountability.
9) We have a fear of rejection or judgement (what others may think or perceive) – What if I say “no” or pushback on what is being asked of me, or am not perfect at something, or viewed as incapable? If I’m not super busy and stressed, will others think I’m not doing enough or contributing or valuable?
10) We are afraid of failure or letting go (trusting others) – This can result in staying in a toxic/stressful situation for too long; or trying to control or perfect things; not trusting and delegating to other to help us out.
Do any of these resonate with you? Most people can relate to most or all of these. We should not be hard on ourselves, as these are things which innately make us human. All of us are imperfect human beings.
The fantastic news is that there are several things that we can do, which do not take much time at all, and can make a significant difference in preventing and reducing stress.
The 7 basic self-care for stress prevention
While there are numerous self-care activities that we can do in a matter of minutes, we cannot do all of them. Instead let’s focus on a few which are effective and essential to preventing and reducing our stress. There are 7 basic or “hygiene” self-care things which help with effective stress prevention. These include hydration, sleep, healthy eating, exercise, social connection / support network, relaxation / breaks, and positive thinking (e.g., affirmations, visualisations). These are the key things that you can do on a regular basis to help keep stress away, as well as to better prepare yourself to deal with stress when it arises. Many of these can make a difference in 5 minutes or less of your time.
No incremental time:
· Hydration – drink sufficient water throughout the day
· Eating healthy
· Positive thinking
5-10 minutes:
· Social / support connection – call a friend / family member
· Relax -- Take a break
· Exercise – Go for a walk
· Positive thinking – do positive affirmations / visualisation
· Note: You can even combine some of these, such as “walk and talk”, “break/walk
and positive thinking”.
15-30 minutes
· Sleep – have a short nap, or go to bed 15-30 minutes earlier, or add some bedtime
relaxation rituals
· Social connection – catch-up with friends/family
· Relax – have a treatment (massage, facial, mani/pedi)
· Exercise – do a longer or more vigorous workout
Proactive “trigger” prevention
A trigger is something that causes stress, so if you proactive prevent the trigger, you prevent the associated stress. Our personal safety, health and security are BIG areas where significant stress can arise if/when they are impacted. A few examples include a serious health issue, personal safety risk (at home or work), financial challenges, job dissatisfaction, and/or overcommitting yourself.
There are proactive things you can do to prevent triggers from occurring that commonly result in significant stress. For example, you can help prevent a serious health issue by having regular health check-ups and getting your age-based health checks.
For Women’s Health Week earlier this month, Jean Hailes with the support of their partner Hologic, published a one-page outline of what health checks women should get based on age.
Another big proactive stress prevention is ensuring that you have appropriate insurance coverage in place for your and your family’s personal situation and needs (e.g., health/medical, life, disability, income protection, home, car / accident, business professional/liability, etc.). Insurance helps provide a safety blanket per say. I would recommend speaking to a qualified financial advisor (ASIC directory here) to ensure that you have appropriate insurance coverage, and also to check you are saving sufficiently for your future and retirement.
Another stress prevention is to be in an employer and job/role that is well suited to your strengths and needs. If you are in a job that is making you miserable, constantly stressed, or worse (unsafe / threatened) start looking for a new role or employer. Life is too short to be stuck in a job where you are constantly stressed. Lastly, avoid packing your days full of activities and tasks to help prevent overcommitting yourself. Plan some “down time” in your work and personal schedules.
Proactive Intervention to Course Correct
When stress does arise, it is really important to know and recognise your early warning signs and take proactive action to prevent stress from continuing to build-up and escalate. Stress is an “allostatic load”, which means that everything builds up, and that it’s typically not one thing that breaks us, but rather several things compounding that cause the stress response to heighten and become overwhelming.
The next time you are just starting to feel a little stressed (well before the point of overwhelm), pause and notice what you are feeling. For example, some common early warning signs of stress include holding your breath, tightening your muscles (shoulder, neck, jaw, face), frustration, negative internal thoughts, feeling warm or flushed, etc.. Then determine a plan of corrective action to start to lighten your stress load, the sooner the better. Some immediate actions to reduce your current reaction and symptoms could be to take some deep breaths with a slow exhale, or go for a walk or get some fresh air outdoors. Then look to identify some corrective actions to lighten your load by deciding which activities you can pause or stop, which you can “do less”, or delegate, or decline all together. Pausing to proactively take corrective action can really make a significant change to the direction you are headed. Given that stress is an allostatic load, reducing only one thing that is contributing to your stress makes a difference, and if you can reduce or remove additional things, that makes even more significant improvement.
The key is to understand your personal stress triggers, symptoms or warning signs, and plan proactive self-care actions and interventions which work for you to course correct before things get out of hand.
If you are struggling with stress and prioritising self-care, and are thinking that you may need some additional help and support, I do offer several free resources on my website, as well as a complimentary 30 minute chat where we can discuss your challenges, and ideas of how I may be able to help you. You can schedule a free consult here (or email me if you can’t find a time that works for you).
Source (1): www.healthywomen.org article New Survey: Moms Are Putting Their Health Last – HealthyWomen, Vera Sizensky Mar 27, 2015
Note: This article is also published in Australia's Natural Parent Magazine (online).
BIO
Stephanie Sullivan is a certified Life Coach, Health Coach, NLP Practitioner and founder of Elevate Your Life Coaching PTY LTD. After 23 years in demanding, high-stress corporate roles as a business consultant, then a corporate executive, she knows first-hand about stress and trying to balance career and parenting demands, along with personal needs and wellbeing. Now Steph’s purpose is helping people to make life changes to reduce stress, increase energy, and achieve their personal goals, career / life ambitions, and wellbeing.
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