Part 1: “Balance”, the elusive goal
If you are like me and the vast majority of people on the plant, transparency is valued and appreciated, so here it goes….
I am really not a fan of the term “work/life balance”. Yes, I use the term, given that (unfortunately) it has become the common language or phrase used to label a significant challenge in our culture. My concern is around some of the connotations it implies, particularly the word “balance”. Balance implies perfection, and getting it “just right” (like stacking a pile of round stones, or filling both sides of a balance scale) to achieve perfect balance. And then, if something changes or moves, or someone nudges a stone, the whole thing may come crashing down. It also sets-up the expectation that we should somehow be able to find a way to “do it all”, and that there is this perfect state of balance that we are aiming to reach, but eludes us. It could even be a myth.
It puts a lot of unnecessary pressure on people to get it “just right”, and often left wondering if other people have figured it out while they can’t seem to. Then in turn, results in feelings of guilt if/when you can’t figure it out, or you have to sacrifice one priority in life to meet another priority or demand. The reality is, there is not a perfect balance, it’s an ebb and flow. It is sequence of continuous choices, making important decisions based on personal and professional priorities, values, and what you will / won’t do (i.e., boundaries).
I believe we should shift our focus from trying to obtaining this perfect work/life balance (or even calling it that), and rather, learn to become experts at managing our personal energy and boundaries. That may not be easy. And yes, it requires thought, skills and practice, but it is attainable and allows room for flexibility, as well as recognition and acceptance that we cannot possibly do everything for everyone. What a relief of pressure that is! And, it is also empowering! It is our life, designed and lived by our values, priorities and decisions.
As P!NK says in her song “A Million Dreams” (songwriters Benj Pasek & Justin Paul):
“We can live in a world that we design…”.
AND, it does not have to be a perfectly balanced world or life. In reality, there is no such thing.
Part 2: “Boundaries”, the imperfect and invisible protector
It is SO IMPORTANT to protect your time and energy. Both are important; however, without energy, time is wasted; it passes us by.
When people think of protecting their energy, often a few self-care related enablers typically come to mind first, such as:
• Getting a good night’s sleep (quantity & quality)
• Nutrition (staying hydrated, eating healthy)
• Exercising / movement
• Fun & socialising / joy
While yes these are all important hygiene factors, there are some other key ones which may not come to mind straight away, such as:
• Managing stress (which is a thief of your energy, literally stealing glucose, your energy supply), AND
• Establishing boundaries (both at work, home and personal relationships)
These are both important for protecting our energy and wellbeing, with boundaries being essential to managing our stress and energy.
Could boundaries be one of the most important and trickiest things for us to navigate in our everyday lives? Boundaries are applicable in nearly every relationship we foster and maintain, whether it be in key relationships in our profession (boss, client, peers, supporting team members, employees), personal life (as partners, parents, grandparents, carers, friends, siblings, etc.), or even with objects (money), and intangibles (time, values & ethics). No wonder boundaries are so important, the first reason being the diverse areas of our lives they impact.
The second reason they are so important is the key role they play in protecting our personal energy and wellbeing. Here is how I would like to suggest for you to think of boundaries. Picture yourself standing tall, with an energy source surrounding you. Maybe you picture it as a coloured bubble around you; mine is blue, but yours can be whatever colour you imagine. Now imagine that your arm is able to extend out to the very edge of that energy bubble, and you move your arm in a circle to draw a protective force field around it. That protective force field is created by the boundaries that you set and establish in every facet of your life (work colleagues, clients, caregiving, love & relationships with every person, even your finances, values and ethics). Every person has this as part of their “being”.
The especially tricky part is that your (and everyone else’s) force field varies in thickness and strength; they are inconsistent and imperfect, and most often invisible to others. If we could see them, we would notice that one person’s boundaries are thick and rigid; while others are thin, even permeable, or maybe non-existent. Even examining one person’s force field, we would likely find it to be thick in some areas, and have holes in other areas. There is no such thing as a perfect force field, but what is clear is that we all need one to protect our personal energy and wellbeing, and that we don’t want our force field to be too thick, such that no energy exchange could ever happen. And alternatively, we don’t want our force field to have lots of holes, or all of our energy would escape.
It’s often when two peoples’ force fields (boundaries) collide, the greatest resistance and friction occurs and repels them apart. This is often where people get triggered by other people or events, encounter conflict or strong emotions, and may become stressed or anxious. The choice then is to hold our boundaries firm and thus remain divided and impassable (which in some cases may be the best option), or else, someone must weaken or compromise their force field. This is where having boundaries with some flexibility comes into play. We need to have good discipline to honour our boundaries, along with good judgement of when to compromise them. However, if we keep compromising over and over again, for anyone or anything that approaches our boundary, guess what happens? A little more of our energy escapes each time, and eventually our force field and our energy disappear. As you can imagine or may have experienced, once someone (let’s say a boss or colleague) becomes aware which team member has weaker boundaries, it is easier to consistently approach that person. This may be a reason why some people find that they are the one who is consistently “dumped on” with more and more work to do. The same is true for personal relationships (e.g., the family member who always answers the call / need). Also, if you are most often the one in a personal relationship who lets down their barrier and compromises, and the other person does not do the same, it is easy to become depleted, or even resentful, frustrated or angry.
Do I Need to Define Some Boundaries?
Every person determines (consciously or subconsciously) the boundaries in each area, and every relationship (professional and personal) in their life. Even if you think you are not setting boundaries, in a way you are. It’s just that you are either allowing someone else to define them for you, or you are setting them subconsciously. You may have heard the expression “You must establish your boundaries, or someone else will do it for you.”
If you are feeling stressed, overwhelmed or depleted energy, it is likely a good time to consciously consider your boundaries at work and in your personal life, and identify where and how to make some adjustments. When doing so, please keep in mind that connection and relationships (healthy ones) are critical to our mental health and wellbeing. Focus on fostering relationships which are supportive and bring energy and joy. Look to introduce or tighten boundaries or limitations around those which are draining or negative. Establishing and honouring these boundaries will create a protective force field for your personal energy and wellbeing.
If you’re not sure how to go about it, the main thing you’ll need to do is consider your priorities, identify your desired schedule and ways of interacting (or limiting interaction / time). Once you have your target boundaries identified, you just need to consider your “non-negotiables” or “sacredly protected” times or activities. Boundaries need to be flexible or relaxed at times, so the last part is important to distinguish and be clear about what you will not sacrifice when things get tough. You also may want to write some “why” or “so that” statements, which you can use to remind yourself (as well as others) as to why you need have these important times to yourself. And, you don’t even need to mention the word “boundaries”. Here are a few examples:
I’ve got to go now…I need some time to exercise and get a good nights’ sleep so that I can be fresh and productive for tomorrow 😊
I need some time to myself today so that I can recharge and be on my “a game” when I return.
Sorry I missed your call last night; I was having a device-free evening to relax so that I could be clear & focused today. Is there something I can help you with now?
BIO
Stephanie Sullivan is a certified Life Coach, Health Coach, NLP Practitioner and founder of Elevate Your Life Coaching PTY LTD. After 25+ years in demanding, high-stress corporate roles as a business consultant, then a corporate executive, she knows first-hand about stress and trying to balance career and parenting demands, along with personal needs and wellbeing. Now Steph’s purpose is helping people to make life changes to reduce stress, increase energy, and achieve their personal goals, career / life ambitions, and wellbeing.
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